2018 NBA Season Awards – Coolest Sh*t

Posted by

REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon

Here are the 2018 NBA Season Awards for the Coolest Shit.  This is actually the final installment of a three part series where we looked at the individual awards and team awards from the 2017-2018 NBA season.  If you haven’t looked at the earlier pieces, make sure to check them out.

Let’s just start with the real reason you’re here.

Best Dunks

The question that I wanted to answer for myself was, against what criteria am I judging these dunks?  Was I just arbitrarily deciding that I liked dunk A better than dunk B?  That can’t be the case.  I don’t think I need to necessarily design anything super specific, such as a grading system, but there are universal truths to what makes a dunk special:

It’s Just Better If Someone Is In Your Poster

If you dunk on someone, or some two, or some three, it is just better.  It just is.  We all know this.  You basically just took that person’s, or those people’s, manhood(s) in a now immortal imagine of you doing something spectacular.

Alley-Oop Posterizations Are Tremendous

Posterizing someone on the business end of an alley-oop is inherently more difficult that sprinting down a run way for take off while in possession of the ball.  You have to time your jump exactly perfect, and simultaneously concentrate on catch and dunking the ball in one motion while trying to calculate how much space you have to finagle your limbs around another human being while in mid-air.

Sometimes the aesthetics of an alley-oop posterization aren’t as pleasing as a normal one, and sexiness matters.  But we need to bare in mind degree of difficulty.

Put Back Dunks Are Insanely Difficult

At least on an alley-oop you, like, probably mess around with your teammates and have some degree of chemistry catching passes and dunking them from this person.

A tip back is you just perfectly timing a jump, potentially right the fuck over another human, based on a rebound where you don’t know where the ball is going to go as you begin to run to the basket.  You have to adjust and react once you get some sort of grasp on where the ball is going to go, jump, summit a 7-footer whose literal job is to prevent you from doing exactly what you’re doing, reach out and palm a moving target, and then slam the ball home over a bunch of limbs.

Did You Do Something That Belongs On All-Star Weekend?

Did you, in a real NBA game, where people are actually trying, bust out a maneuver that is typically only show cased in the Dunk Contest or All-Star Game?

Violence Is Always The Answer

Not all windmill dunks are created equal.  If you really slam the ball home on a windmill it is way better.  If you tomahawk it, and really throw it down, it’s just better.  If you dunk over someone because you are both just standing under the basket and you jump higher, that isn’t as satisfying as running down the lane, launching into orbit, and then committing a potential criminal act of aggravated assault on whoever was the victim.

We’re looking for situations where the offender can turn to the crowd and justifiable scream “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” with as much ferocity as a man that just murdered a bunch of people in a life or death situation in the Colosseum.

Reactions

Did you stare your victim(s) down?  Did the bench explode?  Did your teammate come over and push you in the chest as you are roaring in victory?  Did the announcer say something fantastic?  Did the crowd erupt?  Was there a cool celebrity reaction captured on film?

Audible Enhancement

A lot of this is covered above, such as an announcer’s comment, the crowd erupting, a clear scream from someone on the court.  But I want to mention that thunderous sound the rim makes when you dunk with the force of an Apache Helicopter overpowering all other sounds at that moment.

With that being said, here are the best dunks of the season.  Since basketball is a team sport, we can start off with our only nominee that’s a team effort:

The Lakers Dunking on Kevin Durant 

Throw The Ball Anywhere In The Stadium And Giannis Got You

Aaron Gordon Doesn’t Care About Your Laws of Physics

The degree of difficulty on throwing down a reverse alley-oop dunk while sandwiched between two defenders is indescribable.

Jonas Valanciunas Doesn’t Want To Go Home

This one gets maximum points in the reaction category as JV just tied the game at the buzzer during a home game by posterizing John Henson, whose one job is to block shots.

DeMar DeRozan Wants To Go Home

DeMar DeRozan decides he is over the entire city of Detroit and just wants to go home and get a solid night’s sleep.

Sweet Justice Has No Mercy

In a game the Heat were leading by 21 points with 16 seconds remaining, Justice Winslow decided to invite not one, but two Phoenix Suns to his poster, in front of his teams’ bench – who subsequently went berserk – and then death stare anyone in the vicinity to say “how the fuck dare you even try me?”

“YOU DON’T LIKE NBA BASKETBALL!”

De’Aaron Fox slams down a game winning put back dunk while the immediate, impulsive reaction from the announcer is to scream “IF YOU DON’T LIKE THAT, YOU DON’T LIKE NBA BASKETBALL!”

DAME AIN’T HERE FOR THE BULLSHIT

AND NEITHER IS DONOVAN MITCHELL

“That’s Too High”

Jokic throws a half-court alley-oop, and while the ball is mid flight the announcer proclaims “that’s too high,” and then immediately eats his words as Faried throws it down.  In your face, commentator guy.

TURN THE LIGHTS OUT

Rondo throws this ball so high off the back board and Anthony Davis just extends his Go-Go-Gadget arm to somewhere near Pluto NO BIG DEAL and slams it home as if playing the Clippers is the same as playing in an All-Star Game.

Giannis Hates Aaron Baynes

After complete silence during the play by both announcers, they solemnly say “wow,” in reaction to what they just witnessed.

Lonzo Has Ups

3rd PLACE: JARRETT ALLEN MURDERS LAURI MARKKANEN

If you look up the word “violence” in the dictionary, it has an embedded clip of this dunk next to it.

Also, I love Jarrett Allen because, as I’ve said before, he is genetically designed to be in NBA Street.

RUNNER UP: CALL THE BOSNIAN ARMY!!

LeBron James dunks Jusuf Nurkic out of the galaxy so hard that the crowd goes nuts for an away player embarrassing their own guy, the Cavs bench loses its mind, the initial comment from the play-by-play announcer is “he made Jusuf Nurkic into a screen saver,” then the color commentator is so excited he just starts speaking inaudible gibberish, all before the play-bay-play announcer comes back with “he would need the entire Bosnian army to stop LeBron James.”

R.I.P Jusuf Nurkic.  Dead – March 15th, 2018.

WINNER: GIANNIS LEAPS A HUMAN BEING

This is the closest thing we will ever see (I’m guessing) in the NBA to the greatest dunk of all-time.

Best Dimes

Tap Tap Tap-A-Roo

There Are Hurricanes On Waiters Island

Maybe Eric Bledsoe Is Drew Bledsoe?

Who Needs Balance or Control or Vision Anyway?

AND-1 MIXTAPE TOUR COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU

 

3rd PLACE: If You Nutmeg Someone, You’re Winning

RUNNER UP:

LeBron is out here doing that thing you do with your dog in the backyard where you fake throw it one way to get him to run the wrong direction and then throw it the opposite way except he did it in the middle of an NBA game and faked out an entire NBA team.

WINNER: JARRETT JACK TO ENES KANTER

Ok, so there is a personal reason that I decided to make this one the winner.  My number one goal in life – yes, I’m being 100% serious right now – is to pull off the Sebastian Telfair pass in a pick up basketball game.

I did it underhanded once, off a checked ball, which in theory is more difficult since everyone is set.  But it wasn’t an in-the-flow-of-the-game situation, and Jarrett Jack basically recreated this in an NBA game.  Jarrett Jack is my hero.

Nastradamus Award

On February 28th, 2018, James Harden literally caught a body and headed to Houston.

NBA players play the game with different mindsets.  There is the Mamba Mentality, the Bill Laimbeer ‘I’ll Fucking Fight You’ mindset, The Dennis Rodman ‘You Ain’t Seen an Irritant Like This Before’ mindset.  Turns out, James Harden plays basketball in a New York State of Mind.

Best Custom Shoes

Winner: Wakanda Dame 4’s

I would promise my first born child for a pair of these.

Best Jerseys

I mean, did you really expect anything else here?

Best Technical Foul/Reaction

Here is Blake Griffin throwing a laser beam at a ref’s feet, getting T’d up, and then complaining he has to pay a fine because the ref “can’t fucking catch.”

Most Ridiculous Thing 

Winner: Rockets, Clippers January Game & Locker Room Incident

During a Rockets, Clippers game in January, Blake Griffin made physical contact with Mike D’Antoni while running up court.  At some point afterward, Blake and D’Antoni got into a verbal exchange that resulted in D’Antoni screaming “fuck you!” at Blake, with Blake screaming “fuck you!” back at D’Antoni.  Austin Rivers, who didn’t play in this game due to injury, was also being an incessant douche throughout the game from the bench.

After the game was over, Trevor Ariza, Gerald Green, Chris Paul, and James Harden used a back hallway and back door to go into the Clippers locker room.  Trevor Ariza and Gerald Green were the aggressors of the situation, and they were trying to confront Blake Griffin and Austin Rivers.  CP3 and James Harden attempted to play peace keepers during the situation.  Outside the front door, Tarik Black heard a commotion, tried to see what was going on, was denied access to the Clippers locker room by Clippers staffers, and then left.

It was been reported that Trevor Ariza kept daring the Clippers to walk further into the back of the locker room.  Sneaking into a locker room through a back door and then daring people to step toward you transcends being the guy that screams “hold me back!” during a heated verbal exchange.  You going to someone else’s property to then yell “take one more step! take one more step!” is the most puff your chest, you-ain’t-gonna-do-shit move I’ve ever heard of.

At some point in time during all of this, the police were called.  The game was aired on TNT, so when news broke that the police were called, Shaq and Chuck were readily available for comment.  Shaq and Chuck, since they’re Shaq and Chuck, couldn’t take seriously what was going on.

As word reached the Twittersphere that an incident was in progress, rumors and exaggerations began running rampant.  The “back hallway and back door,” were being characterized as a secret tunnel.  Chris Paul, a Clipper for six years, was being accused of leading his teammates through a secret tunnel to go fight the Clippers.  Tarik Black was mistaken for Clint Capela, and word was Capela was acting as a human Trojan Horse to create a diversion while Paul, Harden, Ariza, and Green snuck in the back to kick ass and take names.  J.J. Redick tweeted that he htought he needed to do an emergency podcast eplaining the schematics of the Staple Center’s locker rooms.

The idea that Chris Paul, ever the tactician and team leader, concocted an espionage maneuver to ambush an unsuspecting Clippers team of course lead to an incredible amount of jokes:

"Everybody know the plan?"

A post shared by Sports Blog Nation (@sbnation) on

And what in the world was the NBA going to do?  If there was really a fight that involved CP3, James Harden, Trevor Ariza, Gerald Green, and to a lesser extent Clint Capela, the NBA would have to suspend everyone involved for significant time.  Was the league really going to suspend a group that included the Rockets three best players and another starter for, I dunno, like 10 games?

All this turned out to be false.  Of course, the false version is wayyyy cooler than what actually happened.  It took two days of investigation by the NBA to sort everything out.  The resulting penalties were Ariza and Green both served two game suspensions.

Even still, the real version of events is perhaps the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard of.  Also, Blake Griffin said Ariza asked him if he make it to Ariza’s birthday party:

Best Social Media Posts

Contender: Air Bud and Kevin Love – BFF’s

Yea, apparently Air Bud has a Twitter account.  Air Bud is perfect.

Contender: Eric Bledsoe

After the Suns fired their coach three games into the season, Bledsoe tweeted “I Dont wanna be here.”  Bledsoe, to save face I guess, claimed the tweet had nothing to do with the firing of his coach or the Suns organization, but that he was in a hair salon and wanted to leave.

Sure.

Contender: Blake Griffin Gets Traded

This was Blake Griffin’s own reaction to finding out he got traded.  Pretty perfect.

Contender: Embiid Trolling Lonzo

WHAT A NIGHT !!!!! #TheProcess

A post shared by Joel "The Process" Embiid (@joelembiid) on

Embiid shook, and finished a layup over, Lonzo Ball.  He then went on Instagram to troll Lonzo, and geotagged the location as “Lavar, Fars, Iran.”

Runner Up: Embiid Trolling Russell Westbrook

Tough loss #TheProcess

A post shared by Joel "The Process" Embiid (@joelembiid) on

On a night Joel Embiid posterized Westbrook and stared him down afterwards, Embiid later on decided Westbrook hadn’t had enough.  Embiid took to Instagram to post a picture of him dunking on Westbrook and GEOTAGGED THE LOCATION AS “CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION”

Maybe now Westbrook has had enough.

WINNER: BLAKE GRIFFIN CHAOS

At nearly 4 o’clock in the morning, after the Rockets, Clippers, Trojan Horse, secret tunnel, tough-guy-chest-puffing, fight that never happened (?), Griffin took to Twitter to post a meme of Heath Ledger’s Joker blowing up the hospital in The Dark Knight.  Blake Griffin wins Twitter.

Coolest Dude

You know what?  Blake Griffin wins life.  He swore at a referee, bemoaning the ref’s hands of rocks that cost a fine for a technical (even though Griffin 100% deserved that technical), he said Trevor Ariza was checking in to see if Blake could attend Trevor’s birthday party, he had the perfect reaction to finding out that he was traded a few months after signing on to be a Clipper for life, and then sent out the absolute best tweet in response to the absurd Rockets, Clippers post-game antics.

Congratulations Blake Griffin, you are this seasons Coolest Dude.

filed under: NBA

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *